Sunday, January 31, 2010

Did I mention fear...again?

I am hoping, hoping, hoping and praying, praying, praying that my man gets offered "the job" tomorrow. It has been such a long interview process, and he is so in need and deserving of a positive change. Of course it would be an enormous shift and change for all of us. Emotions are running the gamut of fear, anticipated disappointment, joy, fear, trepidation, elation, fear, anger, gratitude, excitement and did i mention fear. I long to be the trusting, peaceful "i know the decision will be exactly what it needs to be for us" person but quite honestly I am more often in the "if he doesn't get this offer life is just not fair what are we going to do now?" mode.
Such is my ongoing struggle to let go and trust in the universe...

Everything will be ok in the end, if its not ok, its not the end.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The trees are on fire

The trees are on fire. I sit here at dusk watching the sun set out my window, pausing right behind the tree line that stands tall across the mountain ridge, the orange red fiery glow is the back drop for the solid trunks and their many long spindly arms and fingers reaching and stretching for the heavens. The glow is hot with intensity while the above skies are cool with a faded grey blue. Thus is life - in perfect balance. Vibrant passion seeps into serene peacefulness, fear into love, and sadness into joy. A masterpiece that takes ones breath away.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Answers please?

How should I address the constant gnawing in my chest, the dull ache that forces the breath to be a little more deliberate? Do I go for the old "pull up your bootstraps" and get out there and do something approach? Do I sit with the discomfort acknowledging it, feeling, recognizing it? Do I sing it? Walk it? Cry it ....? Oh another thing, is there a time limit? A day or two? A week? Weeks? A Month?I just want to know....something. I'm empty, but not really. I don't want to be this way...but do I? I just want to be who I am...I think. "It is all temporary" "one thing you can count on is change"
but when?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Weak with fear

when the fear is so immense, so big and all consuming....
when you know for sure it is real, are you manifesting the nightmare?
or is your intuition solid, your gut honest and is the fear the absolute response to what you know inside.
I want to know for sure... but I don't want to know for sure

Power is in the truth. I am weak with fear.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

My heart is not my own

Its confirmed, again. My heart is not my own. Last night one of my sons experienced, defeat and disappointment. It happened when "the man" and I were on our way out for dinner, we had no agenda, kind of free, a nice easy night... then I got the call. Return of the heavy heart, the ache. Plans shift. We meet. It is a privilege to be present to his sorrow. This tender, beautiful young man. I said he was "golden like the sun" when he was a little boy...he still is.
My heart is not my own.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

heavy heart

Before I even opened my eyes this morning i realized that my heart was heavy. Is it possible for your heart to actually gain weight overnight? No doubt it was heavier and larger than it was when I closed my eyes the night before. As I lay in bed observing the mass, feeling the heaviness creep up my chest and and into my throat, lingering just behind my eyes where the tears make little puddles that wait to overflow, as if to hold onto the sadness with the sense that there is more to come.
Today is the day our last son heads back to college to finish his final semester. The others have come and gone over the holiday. Today marks the end of holiday break for all. I've been here before many times with five children, this is our story. Come and go. The doors are always open to come home and then to go out... as is my heart, always open. the difference is they inhabit my heart, they never leave it not for a moment. I carry them and their stories, their joys their sorrows along with my own in my heart, my life force.
This is the divine privilege of being their mother.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I'm in a quandary

I'm in a quandary.

I'm stuck between the place of "planning, scheduling our time or the alternative of "going with the flow, allowing for spontaneity, "what ever happens happens". Personally I like the sound of the later much better however it is my experience (recently anyway) that when I "allow" not much happens When the space is left open , it ends up being "space" . Granted we have spent evenings "together" sitting by the fire relaxing ...i guess? But now I'm getting restless, so I'm feeling the need to "create a memory". Is this "me" forcing an expectation and agenda... or... is this "me" just wanting something more for all of us to put in our bank of experiences. The day is before us.
I just really want it to count.

Happy Birthday to my delightful, yummy, amazing niece and nephew today. They are 4 yrs old!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

each moment is a new beginning

I am coming to know more and more each day that no matter how old our children are they fill us ... our time, our hearts, our heads, our being. Just when we were thinking we were getting close to "the end" ...we have have come to understand, there is no end, just truly new and different beginnings. There is a new beginning in each and every moment.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


How did I come to own this "banner of shame"? the one I woke up with this morning, the one that feels like a cinder block on my chest, the one that holds me to hiding? Is it the phone calls not returned. the bills not paid, the i should have done this why didn't I do thats that stand before me the moment I open my eyes?

A new day is dawning, it must be within my grasp,
moment by moment,
breathe in breathe out.
say yes.

Monday, January 18, 2010


In the midst of winter, darkness,
helplessness, despair, devastation in Haiti
We reach.. We grasp.. We hold oh so closely to..
Here I am again. without intimidation(for the moment),without expectation, without fear. because I need a creative outlet, because the blog world intrigues the hell out of me, because i need to show up (even if its just to myself) and because it's here that i've been inspired and touched and moved over and over again. and right now in this dark cold winter month...i am heavy and dry and this little blogspace is something for me to hold onto.
*photo by I blogger I love: d.schwedhelm